Journey
by 8ounce
Summary: Beca's a DJ with a dark secret. (Re-upload) AU. Rated M for explicit reference to self-harm.


Blood. It rose to the surface as the tip of the blade sank into her wrist. It painted vein-like lines across her arm as it inched slowly towards her elbow. It provided an escape and a visual for the all the pain and anxiety she felt on the inside. She sighed as she mopped up her arm. Sighed again as she wrapped gauze around her wrist. It was a routine, something she could count on. Something she could come back to every day after work, after making mistakes, after being berated by her own mind. She walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Grabbed her phone, put on her headphones, and went outside to light up. Felt reassurance as the smoke filled her lungs and reappeared in the air around her, reminding her she was alive.

* * *

She was fine the way she was. Waking up in the morning, working at the radio station, coming home, gigging at the club on weekends. She didn't need anybody to wriggle into her life, disrupting the balance and the routine she had established after so many years of trying to run from her own mind. She certainly didn't need to lock eyes with the gorgeous redhead from across the room while she was trying to find a song to mix into the one currently thumping in the club. So she ignored the drinks the woman sent her. All night, she sent her drinks. Alcoholic and non-alcoholic. She was off at 2 am, hoping the ginger would take the hint and leave her alone. But she never left. She stayed until 2, when the DJ was packing up her equipment. Followed her when she was hoisting her bag over her shoulder, walking towards the back door to where she had parked her car. The DJ sighed.

"You know, I hear this is generally referred to as stalking..." She finally turned around to face the redhead, surprised to see white teeth gleaming at her through the darkness. How the redhead could still be smiling after being ignored for the entire night, the DJ would never know.

"I've been waiting for you to say something for the _entire night_." The ginger grinned, moving closer.

"Is there a specific reason...?"

"You look really hot when you're working all that equipment." The ginger blurted out, smiling as the DJ felt her cheeks heating up.

"...Thanks...? Listen, do I know you from somewhere?"

"Nope! But I would like to ask you out on a date. I'm Chloe, by the way. Beale. Chloe Beale." She stammered as she stuck out her hand.

"Nice to meet you Chloe. I'm Beca Mitchell. Look, as much as I'd love to have this conversation right now, I'm exhausted and hungry. Can I take you somewhere?" Beca rubbed her hand over her face, holding the passenger door open for Chloe, her eyebrows shooting up as Chloe skipped right past her into the car. Dumping her equipment in the backseat, she walked over to the driver's side and started her car.

"I've been watching you, you know." Chloe murmured as they sat in an awkward silence. Beca shot Chloe a look. "Not in a creepy way! Not like a stalker or anything!" She said, waving her arms frantically. "Like when you're at the club. I'm there every night. My friends think I'm crazy."

"Well, they're not the only ones..."Beca said in a sing-song voice as she kept her eyes focussed solely on the road and decidedly not at the adorable redhead beside her. "Ow!" She cried as the ginger punched her in the arm. "Is this how you ask for dates?! No wonder you always have time to spend at the club!"

"No..."Chloe smiled sheepishly. "I didn't know you were listening when I asked."

"That would've been uncharacteristically rude of me." Beca stated dryly as Chloe giggled. "I'm not a good person to date." The DJ said softly as Chloe's laughter died down.

"Everyone's a good person to date!" Chloe said, blushing as she realized how promiscuous it made her sound. "Come on, I already think you're adorable."

"I'm not adorable!" Beca said, tossing her light brown locks indignantly as she pulled up to a Taco Bell drive-thru. "You want anything?"

"Ooh, yeah, two spicy chicken tacos, please!" Chloe's eyes lit up at the question. "Oh, you sneaky little thing. You changed the topic!"

"I did not. The opportunity arose. Everybody likes Taco Bell. It's a well-known fact." Beca stated, as she handed Chloe the bag. The brunette's stomach growled, and she forced herself to keep her eyes on the road as her companion began to eat beside her.

"Want a bite?" Chloe said thickly through a mouthful of chicken, moving the taco towards the DJ. Beca nodded, purposefully taking a huge bite. "Hey! You suck! I'm eating one of yours!"

"No, no, please I'm sorry!" Beca mumbled, her mouth full of taco.

"Too late!" The ginger grinned devilishly as she took a bite out of Beca's.

"At least let me take a bite out of it before you inhale it!" Beca whined. "Hey, I just realized I don't know where to drop you off."

"Oh, it's just up ahead. Take a right at the next intersection. I'll tell you where to stop." Chloe said, polishing off Beca's taco. She winked as the brunette pouted at her. "Here!" Beca pulled over to the curb. Chloe pulled out her phone. "Before I leave, you have to give me your number because I have to date you." She said, very matter-of-factly.

"I'm not someone you want to get involved with, Chloe. Trust me on this one." Beca sighed as Chloe thrust the phone at her.

"But we had so much fun just now! Come on. Please...just one date. I'll even plan everything out. You won't have to do a thing except show up." Chloe's bright blue eyes pleaded and tugged at Beca's heartstrings.

"I'll give you my number. But that doesn't mean I'm agreeing on a date." The DJ acquiesced, sighing as she typed her phone number in.

"Oh you will...you won't be able to stay away from me!" The redhead said playfully as she shut the car door and walked towards her apartment.

As Beca drove away, she couldn't help but think that the redhead was probably right. She probably wouldn't be able to stay away. She had to, though. She wouldn't drag another person down with her.

* * *

As she dragged herself out of bed and to work the next day, Beca couldn't help but realize that last night was still on her mind. As she sat down in her chair, in front of the microphone and her computer, she knew she had to push Chloe from her mind. She couldn't date her. It wouldn't be fair to Chloe, with her beautiful personality and bright, cheerful attitude. What surprised Beca was how this thought pierced her like a knife, and how much the pain was like one.

"Did somebody finally get laid last night?" Her co-host Jesse laughed as he seated himself across from Beca and adjusted his microphone.

"Dude, no! Shouldn't you be a little less awake?" Beca exclaimed, throwing an eraser at his head. Jesse ducked and chuckled.

"Whatever you say, dear." He intoned robotically, as they began to prepare to go on-air.

* * *

She was aware that this was a bad idea. Standing outside Chloe's apartment, in the rain. She knew that she should have just called her. It just seemed like such a dick move, especially with Chloe's amazing personality. She didn't even know Chloe's apartment number.

"Um, excuse me? Would you happen to know which apartment Chloe Beale lives in?" She asked, hesitantly, certain the doorman wouldn't give her the time of day. Water dripped down her entire body; she was soaked.

"Who's looking?" The doorman looked her up and down as if sizing up the tiny, waterlogged brunette.

"Beca Mitchell. I...drove her home last night and was just looking to talk to her." She looked down at her feet, sure he wasn't going to believe her.

"Well, Miss Mitchell, seems to me it would just be easier to buzz her apartment..." The doorman said, after a long silence.

"No, no! I wanted to surprise her." She blurted out, a blush staining her pale cheeks.

"Okay. Well, Miss Beale's apartment number is 1516. Do I need to call 911 after you enter the elevator, Miss Mitchell?"

"No. Here, check. I'm not carrying anything." The doorman patted her down, and nodded after he had finished.

"Off you go then, Miss Mitchell."

* * *

"Beca! What are you doing here?" Chloe gasped as she opened the door. "And why are you soaking wet?"

"Chloe...I...you..." Beca stuttered as she looked down at her feet. She took a deep breath. "Chloe...we need to talk."

"Okay well, come in. You look like you're freezing. What did you do, walk from your place to mine?" The redhead ushered her inside.

"Actually, yeah. I needed time to think." The DJ said as she shuffled in to Chloe's apartment. Chloe took her hoodie and threw it into the dryer. She threw Beca a pair of sweatpants as she motioned for Beca to strip off her sodden jeans. The brunette moved into the bathroom to change, intent on hiding her injuries from the redhead. She put her jeans into the dryer and started it, holding her phone and her keys as she sat down on the couch. Chloe brought two steaming mugs of hot chocolate from the kitchen and sat down beside Beca. She jumped up again as she saw the DJ hadn't changed out of her long-sleeved t-shirt. She brought one from out her room and chucked in at the DJ, and she changed quickly out of it, throwing it in the dryer as well.

"So, what brings you here, Beca?" Chloe asked as she sat down on the couch beside Beca. "Hey, Beca, what's up?" She said, placing a hand on the brunette's arm as she remained silent.

"You...you can't date me." Beca choked out, the words tasting bitter. She took a deep breath and held in her tears. "You can't." She whispered.

"Why, Beca?" Chloe asked, quietly, as she saw the state the woman she had so admired was in.

"Because. Because it's not fair to you, Chloe. I'm never going to be good for you or good enough for you." The brunette murmured brokenly as a tear slowly made its way down her face. She brushed it away angrily.

"Do you want to date me?" The quiet question hit Beca like a ton of bricks.

"That's not fair..." She looked at Chloe, pain in her eyes.

"Why isn't it fair?" Chloe murmured, using her thumbs to wipe the tears off of the brunette's face.

"Because you know that's what I want more than anything on the planet."The DJ's voice broke as tears rolled down her face.

"Oh, sweetie..." Chloe breathed as she held the shaking brunette in her arms. "Whatever you think is not good for me, we can work through. I promise, Beca. I'll be here, waiting for you. No matter what."

"You don't understand." Beca cried into Chloe's shoulder. "I'm not good enough for anybody."

"That's for me to decide." Chloe said firmly, as she continued to hold the DJ.

"I'm sorry." Beca mumbled as her sobs died down.

"There's nothing to apologize for." Chloe said as she pulled Beca up from the couch. "Come on, you must be tired. You've probably had a long day at work." She tugged the brunette into her bedroom.

"Wh...what are you doing?" Beca's eyes widened as she realized where they were.

"We're sleeping." Chloe said resolvedly. "I'm not letting you walk home like this." She climbed into bed and looked up at Beca expectantly, patting the space beside her.

"I...I don't do...I can't..." Beca felt herself start to hyperventilate at the thought of being that close to Chloe all night.

"Beca, sweetie, it's okay. I won't hurt you." Chloe said softly, kneeling on the bed in front of Beca. She took her hands in her own. Beca flinched as she pulled her hands away. Chloe got up and wrapped her arms around the tiny brunette as she shook violently. "Shh...it's okay. It's just me, honey. Just Chloe. I'm right here. Shh...shhh." Chloe pulled the girl down onto the bed with her, holding her as she stopped shaking and started breathing evenly. As the redhead looked down, she realized that the DJ had fallen asleep.

* * *

"Hey, sleepyhead." Chloe murmured as she kissed Beca's forehead. Her eyelids flickered as she pretended she was still asleep, turning her back to the redhead. "You did not just do that!" Chloe exclaimed.

"Shhh..." Beca shushed groggily, still only half-awake. She burrowed deeper in the sheets, wriggling as she felt Chloe's arms snake around her midsection. The redhead made an indignant noise as the DJ pretended to snore.

"Beca! You have to go to work!" Chloe whined, as she placed her chin on the other woman's shoulder. The brunette cracked open one eye to look at the clock.

"Not for another two hours I don't." She mumbled, her voice still rough with sleep.

"That's true. But I have to work and you're in my apartment..." The redhead said in a sing-song voice.

"Oh shit!" Beca exclaimed as she rolled off of the bed onto the floor in a mess of blankets. "I'm so sorry! I totally forgot!" Chloe giggled as Beca tried to extricate herself from the straightjacket the tangled blankets had become. The redhead watched as fear crept onto the brunette's face as she remembered what happened last night.

"No, no, Beca..." Chloe warned. "Don't go there. I know where your head is going. Don't do that to yourself. _I_ let you into my apartment, _I_ let you cry on me. I invited you to. Don't you dare apologize, Mitchell. What you need to do, though, is let me in. I can help, Beca. Talk to me. Please." The redhead's bright blue eyes peered into Beca's dark green ones, pleading with her.

"I...you have to go to work." Beca muttered, standing up, avoiding Chloe's eyes.

"Beca..." Chloe reached for her, grabbing her wrist. The brunette tried not to grimace as the redhead inadvertently applied pressure to her wounds. She stumbled towards Chloe. "Beca, I'll come over tonight after work. Give me your address. We need to talk about this."

"Fine. Fine. I'll text you my address. Look, we both have to go to work. Come on." Beca huffed, pulling Chloe up with her as she walked to the dryer to get her clothes from last night.

"I'll drive you to the station, okay?" Chloe called as she got dressed.

"Okay, thanks. You gotta pick me up, though. Remember. Okay?" Beca yelled over her shoulder as she put on her hoodie.

"I won't forget." Chloe chuckled, suddenly appearing behind the DJ. "You ready?"

"Yep. Let's go."

* * *

"This is it." She announced, as she unlocked the front door, kicking off her shoes and throwing her hoodie onto the couch, tugging down the sleeves of her long-sleeved t-shirt.

"Beca, your place is gorgeous!" Chloe squealed as she looked around. "How are you eating again? We just had dinner!" She asked appalled, as Beca appeared with a slice of cheesecake and a fork.

"I'unno." She mumbled thickly through a bite. "Wan'some?" She offered the plate to the redhead.

"It looks really...omigod this is the best cheesecake I've ever had in my entire life." Chloe raved as she walked away nonchalantly with the rest of the slice.

"Hey!" Beca caught up to Chloe. "That's mine!"

"Nuh-uh! You offered it to me. It's mine now." Chloe smiled, sweetly, dropping a kiss on the tip of Beca's nose. The tiny DJ blushed, sitting down on the couch next to the redhead. "So, you said we were gonna talk tonight." Chloe reminded softly.

"Oh...right." Beca got up from the couch.

"Beca..." Chloe warned, putting the plate on the coffee table and following her friend into the kitchen.

"Relax, I'm just getting a bottle of water. You want anything? Coffee? Tea?" The brunette inquired, pulling open her fridge.

"Nah, I'll drink some of yours." Chloe grinned, grabbing the brunette's hand and pulling her back towards the couch. "Come on, time to have a serious conversation."

"This stealing of food is becoming a terrible habit, Chloe. I think we should discuss that." Beca said, pulling a mock-serious face.

"Come on, don't joke around Beca. I really do want to help you. I want to be able to love you for who you are, and hopefully vice versa." Chloe curled up into the DJ on the couch. The DJ stiffened. "Shh, it's just me. Just Chloe. Hey. I'm right here." The redhead murmured, turning her head to gaze at the brunette. As Beca relaxed, Chloe curled back into her side.

"What do you want to know?" Beca asked, her voice barely audible.

"Why do you think you're not good enough for me, Beca?" Chloe inquired softly, turning her head again to look into the DJ's eyes.

"Because of everything I do, Chloe." Beca whispered, forcing herself not to break down. She felt the redhead's hand slip into her own.

"What do you do, Beca?"

"Roll up my sleeve." Beca intoned, squeezing Chloe's intertwined hand. The redhead did as she was told, gasping as she saw the bloodstained gauze. "Unwrap my wrist." Again, the redhead did as she was told.

"Oh, babe..." Chloe whispered as she saw the crimson lines. So bright against the brunette's pale skin, telling the DJ's painful life story. "Why?"

"Because I make mistakes. And people yell at me. And then the voice in my head won't shut up and this is the only way to make it shut up." Beca murmured, her tears dropping onto Chloe's arm. She watched as Chloe placed her lips lightly against her wrist. The redhead turned towards the Beca again.

"What does the voice say?" Again, Chloe uses her thumbs to wipe Beca's tears away.

"It tells me that I'm not good enough. Over and over again. I'm sorry, Chloe. I know you don't want me now." Beca turned her face away as her voice cracked with emotion. There was a long silence before Chloe spoke again, and when she did, it was full of love.

"Hey. I knew, when I walked into that club that night, that I loved you. When you looked up, I was sure. This changes nothing. If anything, it makes me love you more because you trusted me enough to tell me. Because now I know that you love me back. I talked to Jesse. I know how secretive you are about your life, Beca, and it means so much to me that you love me." Chloe said with quiet conviction, smiling tearfully as Beca turned around to face her. The redhead pulled the DJ's down and kissed her, smiling against Beca's lips as she felt the DJ kiss her back. Chloe pulled back. "I'm going to stay here, okay? I'll grab some stuff from my apartment tomorrow, but eventually I'm going to move in here. I want to help you, Beca, and being in this apartment all by yourself is going to be hell for you."

"Okay." The DJ said a little dazedly, still not having recovered from the kiss. "Wait, what?!"

"I said I'm moving in with you." Chloe grinned. "Honestly Beca, is sex the _only _thing you ever think about?"

"But...it's going to be such a long drive for you to work and stuff...and what if, what if..." Beca didn't want to voice the unmentionable.

"Then we break. But even then, I want to make sure you'll stay alive. I love you, Beca Mitchell, don't you ever forget that." Chloe said fiercely, as she touched her forehead to the DJ's. "I do need one more thing from you, though." She said softly, slipping her hand into Beca's.

"What's that?" The brunette asked hesitantly.

"I need to know your routine. So I know the signs. So I can help you. I know you're not going to stop in a day. I would just like to be there at your worst. Is that okay?" The redhead asked gently, intertwining their fingers again.

"Oh, usually I just cut and it's okay. If I've had a really difficult time, I'll go outside and smoke." Beca said, as breezily as she could manage.

"Why do you smoke?" Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca's waist.

"The smoke reminds me that I'm still breathing." Beca muttered, ashamed. Tears sprang into her eyes again and she wiped them away angrily.

"Hey. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm right here with you the entire way." Chloe soothed, pulling Beca down for a kiss. "Look at you, you're so emotionally drained. Let's go to bed, alright?" Beca nodded.

* * *

"Becs?" Chloe called sleepily, as she woke up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. Hearing no response, she pulled on Beca's hoodie and shuffled around the house, finally finding Beca on the balcony. "Beca?" The dishevelled redhead wrapped her arms around the DJ's waist, her chin finding the brunette's shoulder. "What did you just throw of the balcony?" She asked, already smelling the smoke on the DJ.

"...Nothing..." Beca muttered, kissing the redhead on the forehead. Chloe pulled Beca's head down for a kiss.

"You were smoking..." Chloe whispered. "What happened, Beca?"

"I just...I thought you would leave. So I told myself to let you go if you wanted to." Beca murmured against the redhead's hair. "Sorry, I probably smell disgusting. I'll take a shower."

"Beca, don't change the subject. I told you I wasn't leaving any time soon. Can I take a look at your arm? Just to make sure you cleaned it properly." Chloe carefully rolled up the other woman's sleeve, wincing as she saw the fresh injuries on the wrist in front of her. "What's this?" Chloe gestured to the angry red mark on the woman's forearm.

"From the lighter. I...I'm really sorry, Chlo..."

"No. Don't apologize. There's nothing to be sorry for, Becs, I told you. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. How do you feel right now?" Chloe asked softly, moving back into the DJ's arms.

"Like you love me." Beca murmured. "Safe."

"Good. Now go take a shower, brush your teeth and come back to bed." Chloe kissed her one more time before pulling the brunette back inside.

* * *

"She says I'm doing much better." Beca grinned as she got into Chloe's car. It was two years since Chloe had said she would move in to Beca's apartment. The DJ had gotten help from a counsellor and had taken medication for her chronic depression under the watchful, but loving eye of her girlfriend.

"Mmmm...I missed that cocky smile." The redhead smiled against her girlfriend's lips. Life was good. They soon found that they fell into a nice routine every day, so different than the routine that the DJ had known before. The brunette couldn't remember when she had ever felt so happy. Falling asleep every night and waking up every morning to the woman she loved was the best part, and she still got shivers sometimes when she thought about how close she had come to losing it all.

"Hey, pull over." Beca nudged Chloe as they neared the park. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the DJ had a surprise for the sparkling redhead.

"Why? Thought we were going home?" Chloe pouted. "I wanted to spend the rest of my Saturday with you in bed." She grinned provocatively.

"As much as that sounds extraordinary, I can promise what I have planned will be better..." Beca said in a sing-song voice as she pulled a basket and a blanket from the trunk of her girlfriend's car.

"When did you have time to do all of that?" Chloe asked, aghast at the details she had missed.

"This morning, while you were sleeping." The brunette smiled winningly.

"But I woke up with you this morning, and we had a _wonderful_ morning..." The redhead purred, reminiscing. Suddenly she gasped. "You sneak!"

"Now she gets it!" Beca looks skyward as her girlfriend finally pieces it together.

"You're strangely good at pretending you're asleep..." The redhead narrows her eyes as she stalks towards the DJ.

"Hey, come on! I'm starving, let's eat!" The brunette changes the topic, quickly spreading the blanket on the lush, green grass and pulling out the food. Not quick enough, though, as Chloe pins her to the ground, kissing her senseless. "...Chlo..." Her name came out more as a moan than a plea though, as Beca finally pushes her eager girlfriend off of her. "I told you, I have a surprise for you! You're going to ruin it!" She scolded, placing a sweet kiss on the redhead's forehead. Chloe pouted, but sat down beside her girlfriend.

"Okay, fine. What could possibly be so important that I need to...omigod Beca what are you doing?" The redhead asked, shocked, as Beca kneeled before her.

"Shh." The brunette shushed her with a finger to her lips. "Chloe Beale, these past two years have been a dream for me. You've helped me with so much and I cannot thank you enough. I will spend the rest of my life repaying this debt, if you'll have me. Chloe, will you marry me?" Beca pulled a ring out of her pocket.

"Yes! Of course I'll marry you! Was there even a doubt?" Chloe squealed as the DJ slipped the ring onto her finger. "Oh my goodness, Beca it's beautiful!" She whispered, brushing away tears of joy.

"I'm glad you like it." The brunette smiled. "I've waited so long to be able to call you my fiancée." The word stayed, sweet, on her tongue like honey.

"Oh, honey, I love you." The redhead pushed her to the ground and kissed her, knowing that there would be relapses in the future, knowing that there would be tears and pain. Knowing full well that life would not be perfect, but enjoying this moment of perfection. Knowing that it would be a long and difficult journey to happiness, but willing to take the trip all the same.


End file.
